Welcome Back, The New Me
Being a wife before a mother was something that I always wanted for my life, and I prided myself on obtaining this goal. I was raised by a single mother; the added struggles and hardships to provide were heightened with each child in the home. My mother had 3 children, including myself, and when I think of my age now of 32, I don’t know how my mother did it. So, I declared that no matter what happened, what obstacles I had to face, I would never be a single mother. I never wanted to put my child through what I had to endure.
Fast forward to four years into my marriage, I found myself in between a rock and a hard place. The troubles in my marriage began to take a brutal toll on me mentally and physically. I began to beg and plead with God to help me fix myself. I felt broken, lost, and perplexed. I had a 6-month-old baby that looked identical to her father. A man that I once thought that I couldn’t live without violated our marriage vows and had me panicking about how I could fix it. Unbeknownst to me, there was no fixing. As much as I wanted to believe that he would change, he did not. I wanted to say for my daughter. I wanted her to have a life that I never had. So I stayed. I stayed for her, at least that’s what I told myself. I stayed in a place where I felt hurt and pain like no other for two additional years. I wanted to just forgive and forget and act as if I had the perfect marriage. Deep down inside, I was struggling with five-year-old Jessica, that didn’t want to be alone. I worked with feeling unwanted and left in a stuck place. Choosing to stay in my marriage, I thought I was doing what was right, but I stayed for my own ego deep down inside. I did not want to be a single mother. I worked too hard for that to be part of my story.
After finally having enough, I decided to leave. I left without a serious plan, but I knew God would be faithful and provide. I knew staying for my daughter was not the best thing for her when I felt trapped and like a prisoner in my own home. I hated myself. Now being on the other side a year and a half later from leaving and overcoming my divorce, I survived. I survived while being scared, afraid, and not knowing how everything would work out. My ex-husband was the breadwinner in our home, and I didn’t know how to make it, but God provided every time.
Becoming a single mother was one of my biggest fears; I was terrified to become a statistic and hated the idea of being judged by others. However, I have learned in this journey that being a single mother is not synonymous with struggle or hardship. Being a single mother just means you have a few extra superpowers. Single mothers must do more and give more; they have to be more patient, hardworking, understanding, and willing to put in the extra work to survive. I am sustaining and thriving and wouldn’t have it any other way. I am becoming the best role model for my daughter in my struggles. She is learning that she can and will be able to overcome anything, including her biggest fears.